What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 01.07.2025 17:02
All the time i was locked up.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
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19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
What is your best forbidden sex story that felt so right?
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
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BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Put me off passion for life!!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
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One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
And i lived it daily.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
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Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Was to survive, this bastard.
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And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
We were not on the streets..
What did i know ?
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
This is soul school!.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
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But ive been too sick for many years..
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Would this be the day?
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Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
He knew the spot.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I was 9 years of age.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I have no regrets .
I write beautiful poetry .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I don,t even have a pension.
Comes on , in middle age.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
My family never makes their pension either.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
She was in good health!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I said to her
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
We all went to grammer schools
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I was scared of men, in general
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I waited trembling.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I could never make a relationship work though!
But, we were locked up after school.
My life is so biszare .
She loved him until the end.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
He resisted the act ,that day.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I will be 64.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
But it wasn’t much.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I was seconnd youngest,
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
So, i spoilt her more .
I couldn’t, believe it.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I was very sick at this time too.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
She married twice! .
When she asked me how she looked .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Who then, do I blame.?
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
As i do to all so called friends.?
She found it foreign!.
Im still living with it.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
She wouldn,t have been !
Why did i forgive my father ?
One cannot live in the past .
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
It was going to be , some day.
I think the readers, may guess!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Where the ultimate outsiders.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
So whats the point in blame.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Ive learnt so much.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..